Among the many things I love about my wife is something she can’t control: She was born and raised in Canada.
I went on plenty of trips to Canada as a kid growing up in Michigan. But I got a whole other kind of education marrying into the culture. I learned new words, like “Tim Bits” (the Tim Horton’s equivalent of munchkins at Dunkin) and Beaver Tails (fried pastry that I grew up calling an elephant ear). There was the fact that her version of the American Revolution is all about the Tories–you know, the guys who stayed on the side of the British. It’s like… a whole other country!
But most of all, there was the culture of Canadian politeness, which is epitomized in a joke: How do you find a Canadian in a room full of people? Start stepping on toes until one apologizes.
On the basis of that joke, early in our relationship Natalie and I created a ritual when we needed to apologize and forgive each other—which, no matter how in love you are, is gonna happen when you get married. In our ritual, the person being apologized to would step on the toe of the apologizer, who would then say I’m sorry (but like a Canadian: “I’m sOrry”). And often times, since both of us would need to apologize and forgive, each of us would have a turn. Years later, it still works for us.
I’m sharing this rather intimate detail of my marriage because we’re up to the eighth episode in our miniseries on family, and this week our focus is on forgiveness. This is an important topic in all relationships, of course, but it’s especially important in families.
Why? Because we live with family members in a very different way than other people. We’re often physically and emotionally closer with family—and that creates more opportunities for stepping on each other’s toes (in a bad way). There are simply more opportunities to mess up—and thus an even greater need for apology and forgiveness.
Now there are a bazillion Jewish teachings on this topic. We have the value of shalom bayit, keeping peace in our homes, which our tradition recognizes as super important. We have the ways that the Bible imagines the relationship between us and God as a relationship between a parent and a child, or between a married couple—and the ways we use those metaphors to work through apology and forgiveness on Yom Kippur and throughout the year. On one level, apology and forgiveness seems to be all about family.
On another level, I think it’s important to think about how all of this operates within ourselves. How are we too hard on ourselves—and thus we need to forgive ourselves? Or, how might we sometimes excuse our own behavior—and need to be more honest about what we need to change?
So here’s a practice that can help. It focuses on one specific, broken family relationship. And, as we frequently say on this show, this is meant to be helpful. If you find this is too overwhelming for this particular relationship or this particular moment, then don’t use it! Or, if you find that working on this relationship requires more than this practice, please consult with a therapist or other professional.
The practice uses the rhythm of the hand to ground us, and help us recognize that repair starts with our own willingness to change.
Step 1: The Inner Naming
- Focus on the Person: Close your eyes and bring the person you want to forgive or seek forgiveness from to mind. Don’t dwell on the wrong; just hold their image.
- Name What’s Brooken: See if you can silently acknowledge the tension or conflict at root here. For instance, “My relationship with so and so is currently fractured over this issue.”
- Name Your Obstacle: Identify the one quality you need more connection to when approaching this person (e.g., I need some more Anavah—right-sized humility to apologize; or, I need some more Savlanut—patience to listen; I need some more Chesed—compassion for their pain).
Step 2: The Hand Covenant
Hold your hand open in front of you. Each of the five fingers represents a simple, actionable commitment to break the cycle of conflict.
- Thumb (The Anchor): “I will anchor myself in the present moment, resisting the urge to replay past wrongs.”
- Index Finger (Pointing Inward): “I will point inward, accepting my own part in the dynamic, however small.” (This is the practice of Anavah, balanced humility).
- Middle Finger (Holding Distance): “I will create a sacred distance between their reaction and my response.” (This is the practice of Savlanut, patience).
- Ring Finger (The Bond): “I will remember the bond that connects us, which is deeper than the conflict that separates us.”
- Pinky (The Small Step): “I will commit to one small, gentle step toward repair today—a brief text, a silent blessing, or a kind thought.”
Step 3: The Unification Blessing
Close the practice by reciting a simple, mindful blessing: “May the love and peace I seek for my family begin with the intention and patience I hold in my own heart. Baruch Atah Hashem, Oseh HaShalom. Blessed are you, Eternal One, Who makes peace.“
Blessings for the journey. Know that I’m on it with you.