Intro
Welcome to Soulful Jewish Living: Mindful Practices for Every Day with me, Josh Feigelson.
I’m grateful you’re here, and I hope you benefit from our time together.
Ep. 5-2: Covenantal Partnerships (Family 2/10)
It’s an old piece of conventional wisdom that you shouldn’t make too many big life transitions at once. But when I finished rabbinical school, my wife Natalie and I looked at conventional wisdom and said, “Hold my beer.” Within the span of a month, we had our second child, bought our first home and a new car, moved halfway across the country, and both started new jobs.
That move landed us in the Chicago area. My first “new rabbi” job was at Northwestern University Hillel, and it was pretty amazing. Then as now, what a lot of college kids crave is a taste of home: a home-cooked meal, the sights and sounds of kids playing, a place that isn’t just a dorm room that you’re passing through but that feels like it has deeper roots and connections. We had all of that, and we were really happy to share it with these amazing students.
A few years later at graduation, one of the students told Natalie something a little unexpected. She said to her, “I want to thank you for teaching me.” Natalie was a little surprised. After all, this wasn’t her day job, it was mine. But the graduating student said, “I’ve learned so much from watching the way you and Josh interact with each other, and how you parent your kids. You guys have really been role models for me.”
I checked with Natalie before sharing this, and we both agree we’re still kind of stunned that anyone would consider us family role models. We have made all kinds of mistakes. We’ve said plenty of things we wish we would have said better. We have definitely made choices we wish we could take back. There are a million things we’d do differently if we could.
But, years later, we’re still plugging away, still communicating, still partners in the relationship that’s the nucleus of our family. And for all the regrets, there are also a lot of things we both feel proud of. At the end of the day, we’re still in a relationship and still working at it. And that, it seems to me, is the key.
This is the second episode in our miniseries on family. Last week we talked about how challenging it can be to even define the word family, and about how it’s this unusual concept—something that we’re born into and that we also choose.
Today I want to focus on one of the most basic units of family, which is a committed partnership. There are a lot of forms those partnerships can take, but for many families this is really the root: a relationship we’re committed to, and that we have to tend to day in and day out.
We could spend a million episodes on this, of course. But this isn’t a relationship podcast per se, and I’m not a relationship therapist. So today I really want to hone in on a core element here, which is the idea of a committed partnership. What does it mean to commit, in the deepest form? And how can Jewish tradition grounded in mindfulness help us practice it?
As I said, I’m not a relationship therapist—but I am a rabbi, and Jewish tradition has a lot to say on the topic of commitment In fact, you could even say that it’s one of the most core concepts in the Torah. In Hebrew we might call this deepest form of partnership “brit,” which is usually translated as “covenant.”
The Torah is built on a series of successive britot: First between God and all of humanity after the Flood; then between God and Abraham; and finally between God and the Israelites at Mount Sinai. In the first case, the Covenant is pretty much unconditional: God just promises not to destroy the world again, and says that every time there’s a rainbow in the sky it will be a reminder of that promise. People don’t really have to do anything – God promises to be committed to them, no matter what.
However, in the latter two cases, human beings have to make some commitments too.
Which means that, like families, covenantal, committed relationships can be things we choose and things that are chosen for us. The relationship between a parent and a child? That’s a committed relationship we’re born into. The relationship between two committed partners? That’s one we choose.
What all of these committed relationships involve is a sense that we’re not just in it for ourselves—we’re willing to sacrifice for the other person or other people. Even more than that, there are a lot of times when we just don’t really think of ourselves first, because the committed relationship is just so foundational to how we live and who we are.
As a result of that, we might also feel like living in a committed partnership isn’t just about us holding up our part of the commitment—it’s also about feeling held or embraced within the commitment itself. Yes, we have to renew our commitments, but our commitments can also have the effect of renewing us, if we let them.
So here’s a short meditation that can help us practice with this.
Begin by finding a good posture for yourself. Awake and aware. If you’re sitting, try to sit just a little more upright. If you’re walking, see if you can focus just a little bit more.
Imagine your spine as Jacob’s ladder, a sulam mutzav artza, grounded in the earth, v’rosho magia hashamayma, and your crown reaching up towards the heavens.
Take a few good deep breaths. With each exhalation, see if you can bring a little more relaxation to your body. Allow your mind to settle.
If it’s comfortable for you, allow your awareness to center on your breath. Note the rising and falling of the belly. Feel the air coming in the nostrils and out through the mouth.
Now, try to actively control the breath. Choose when to inhale. Choose, perhaps, to hold your breath for a beat or two. Choose to exhale. Do that for a few cycles.
Now, try to just let go, and let your body do the breathing. Almost as though you’re not breathing as much as being breathed. Notice how that feels. Notice if it’s different than before.
Try this for a few cycles, alternating actively breathing with allowing breathing to happen.
Both of these things are real, authentic experiences of breathing. They’re both expressions of the committed relationship between our bodies and our minds.
Committed partnerships, britot, are about holding and being held, choosing and being chosen. This practice can help us experience it more deeply.
Blessings for the journey. Know that I’m on it with you.
ENDING
Thank you for joining us for Soulful Jewish Living: Mindful Practices for Every Day, a production of Unpacked, a brand of OpenDor Media, and the Institute for Jewish Spirituality. This episode is sponsored by Jonathan and Kori Kalafer and the Somerset Patriots: The Bridgewater, NJ-based AA Affiliate of the New York Yankees. If you like this show, subscribe, share this episode with a friend, give us five stars on Apple Podcasts. Check out our website, unpacked.media for everything Unpacked-related, and subscribe to our other podcasts, and check out the Institute for Jewish Spirituality. Most importantly, be in touch–about what you heard today, what you’d like to hear more about, or to dedicate an episode. Write to me at josh@unpacked.media.
This episode was hosted by me, Rabbi Josh Feigelson. Audio was edited by Rob Pera and we’re produced by Rivky Stern. Thanks for joining us.