Welcome to Soulful Jewish Living: Mindful Practices for Every Day with me, Josh Feigelson.
I’m grateful you’re here, and I hope you benefit from our time together.
Ep. 5-1: All in the Family (Family 1/10)
In December 2021, my family took a winter vacation to Phoenix, Arizona. That isn’t necessarily so remarkable: Lots of people go to warm places in the winter. But this was 2021. Covid vaccines had just come out. Many of us hadn’t been on airplanes for a long time. And a lot of folks, including my family, had kind of lost the memory of what that kind of travel felt like.
As we packed and hustled to get out the door and make it to the airport, I could feel the tension building. It’s always tense when a family goes on vacation, and there was even more tension this year. So as we were about to get in the car, I asked everyone to stop for a minute and huddle up. Really, like a team–arms around each other. I just wanted to take a moment and set an intention to break the tension (ooh–intention to break the tension, I like that), and hopefully ease the trip to come.
I honestly don’t remember what I said. But what we all remember is that our middle child, Micah, didn’t miss a beat. Before we broke up the circle, he channeled his inner basketball team captain and said, “All right, hands in the middle. ‘Family’ on three: One, two, three: FAMILY!” It has become a big piece of family shorthand for us ever since.
We’re starting a new season here on the podcast. And since we got so much good feedback from you last year about our set of miniseries, we’re going to stick with that format for a while. And our first miniseries topic is, you guessed it, family.
Now, this is a complicated topic. Just trying to define the word family is tough. And so I want to start off by saying that, for our purposes in this miniseries, however you want to define the word family for yourself is up to you. I’m not here to tell you who’s in your family–that’s your call (and your therapy bill).
Yet one of the undeniable aspects of family is that it’s this kind of amazing phenomenon: It’s something we can be born into, and it’s something we can choose. It’s something made for us, and it’s something we make. And for virtually all of us, the work of navigating that complicated reality is one of the core aspects of our lives.
In the Torah, the Book of Genesis is all about these tensions of family. Right off the bat we explore the complicated nature of honesty and partnership in the relationship of Adam and Eve. Cain and Abel tell us something about how hard it can be to be a sibling (okay, that’s an understatement). Abraham and Sarah leave behind their families of origin to make a new life in a new land. Isaac and Ishmael, Jacob and Esau—more sibling rivalry (again, understatement). And Jacob’s large family paints a portrait of family life with multiple parents and their kids living under the same roof.
The great Jewish psychiatrist Salvador Minuchin, who helped create the field of family therapy, observed that “the family is the matrix of identity.” What does that mean? Maybe that our sense of our unique self, our personality, our expectations about relationships, our entire way of operating in the world, is profoundly shaped and influenced by the family systems we grow up in.
Influenced and shaped—but not fully determined. Our families are not our destinies. We ultimately have control over how we choose to show up: how we speak, how we act, how we respond to life as it unfolds. And that’s what I hope we can explore together in this miniseries.
So for this first week, I want to invite you into a short meditation practice—just to notice what comes up for you as you reflect on the word “family.”
Begin by finding a good posture for yourself. Awake and aware. If you’re sitting, try to sit just a little more upright. If you’re walking, see if you can focus just a little bit more.
Imagine your spine as Jacob’s ladder, a sulam mutzav artza, grounded in the earth, v’rosho magia hashamayma, and your crown reaching up towards the heavens.
Take a few good deep breaths. With each exhalation, see if you can bring a little more relaxation to your body. Allow your mind to settle.
If it’s comfortable for you, allow your awareness to center on your breath. Note the rising and falling of the belly. Feel the air coming in the nostrils and out through the mouth.
And now, just gently say in your mind, the word ‘family.’ Notice what arises for you. It could be a person or people. It could be a feeling, or maybe a place. Note how you feel: pleasant, unpleasant, neutral. It might be a lovely thing to think of family, or it might be hard. Whatever it is, just note the feeling—you don’t have to do anything with it right now.
Continue breathing, and continue noticing what arises as you bring your attention back to the word family. Try to notice if you get caught—if there are particular snags, if perhaps you’re holding on to something tightly in your mind. All of that is perfectly natural and normal. For this first practice, we’re just trying to notice what’s here—and to ground in the reality that we can create some space between our sensations and our essential neshamah, our breath and our soul.
Take a few more cycles of breath, and then, if your eyes have been closed, gently open them.
Blessings for the journey. Know that I’m on it with you.
ENDING
Thank you for joining us for Soulful Jewish Living: Mindful Practices for Every Day, a production of Unpacked, a brand of OpenDor Media, and the Institute for Jewish Spirituality. This episode is sponsored by Jonathan and Kori Kalafer and the Somerset Patriots: The Bridgewater, NJ-based AA Affiliate of the New York Yankees. If you like this show, subscribe, share this episode with a friend, give us five stars on Apple Podcasts. Check out our website, unpacked.media for everything Unpacked-related, and subscribe to our other podcasts, and check out the Institute for Jewish Spirituality. Most importantly, be in touch–about what you heard today, what you’d like to hear more about, or to dedicate an episode. Write to me at josh@unpacked.media.
This episode was hosted by me, Rabbi Josh Feigelson. Audio was edited by Rob Pera and we’re produced by Rivky Stern. Thanks for joining us.